Author Greg Goodsell and Tiny the Dog bring you a Chuck Norris preview of Noveltown's upcoming e-book - By N.L. Belardes
I first met Greg Goodsell in an interview at Bakersfield's Empty Space Theatre during a 'Day of the Dead' art show. He had a microphone and he put me on the spot. Darn him. Nice interview though. We talked about Bakersfield's creepy urban myths.
Goodsell is a Kern 1410 AM reporter, a guard, a secret Amazon.com reviewer, a poet and storyteller.
Since then I have come to be a fan of Goodsell's sarcastic writing in short stories with his peculiar moral twists. Goodsell takes ordinary ideas and people and paints extraordinary circumstances with what is normally simplistic day-to-day thoughts.
He's coming out with a Noveltown e-book titled, "You know Who You Are" that's sure to tell some interesting tales about the great unknowns of humankind.
1410 AM reporter/writer Greg Goodsell
The sarcastic growl of Greg Goodsell
Enjoy this funny Chuck Norris piece that is sure to make you wonder whether old Eunice should have been a true fan of "Walker, Texas Ranger" instead of someone who took the show for granted...
This dog is going to be a star
*note: The photo shoot included his next door neighbor's dog, Tiny.
Best Wishes, Chuck Norris
By Greg Goodsell
On the lookout for Art Deco items on the cheap and pop cultural artifacts to pawn off for top dollar on eBay, Eunice had stumbled upon this ... this ... epiphany of kitsch. Sandwiched in between mounted baseball cards and vintage playbills was an autographed photo of Chuck Norris encased in shrink-wrap. The 5 x 7 black-and-white photograph showed the aging beefcake star in his role of "Walker, Texas Ranger.” The bearded sort-of actor looked out from the photo with a guarded stare from underneath his black cowboy hat, holding a rifle. Underneath his face to the left was his signature reading, "Best Wishes, Chuck Norris.” Eunice suppressed a convulsion of derisive laughter.
Only yesterday, Chuck Norris had been the topic of discussion between her and her friend Krit, an Iranian immigrant who had surpassed even her finely tuned sense of irony. They talked about how the man was a hopeless actor, and how in his first few films he had behaved as if the movie camera was intent on jumping out and devouring him. His films, they deduced, were intended for audiences at the dirty end of the Caucasian scale. "I'm gon' stick ya! I'm gon' stick ya!" muttered by a hillbilly antagonist with a pitchfork in BREAKER! BREAKER! (1977) was an all-around ice-breaker during their lulls in conversation.
Eunice chortled to herself when the proverbial light bulb went on over her head. This would make an excellent gift at Krit's birthday dinner! Amid all the chi-chi glassware Krit was sure to receive at the upcoming soiree, this little gift would be sure to provide the laughs and irreverence needed for the event. What the hell? She had the $6.50.
Walking up to the register, Eunice presented the photo to the cashier flashing a can-you-believe this? smile.
The cashier, an older gentleman, asked her, “So... are you a Chuck Norris fan?"
Eunice decided to play her part to the hilt. "Why, yes! I've seen all of his films!"
"I got to meet Chuck Norris when I was vacationing in Maui,” the cashier said. "One helluva nice guy. None of this movie star attitude. We kicked back, had a couple Mai Tais... had a real nice time!"
A woman who Eunice assumed was the cashier's wife came forward. "Chuck Norris! What a handsome man! The movies don't do him justice! A real nice guy, too!"
Eunice grew impatient. The joke was growing old. She paid for the item and left.
The photo needed a frame... and the frame would have to complement the picture. Pulling up to the 98-cent store near her fashionable townhouse, Eunice parked her restored '69 VW bug and went inside. The brightly lit aisles were packed with bored housewives who saw spending their expendable income on cheap, plastic junk as therapy. Eunice imagined she was the only person there not swathed in Dacron polyester.
Greg and Tiny: together as artists under the eye of N.L.
Settling on the picture frame aisle, she saw some rather horrific markdowns. Frames decorated with hand-painted teddy bears slapped together by some overworked native in a Third World sweatshop. There were frames that read “You’re My Favorite" and “World’s Greatest Mom!" These would simply not do.
Finally, Eunice's eyes fell upon an especially hideous frame. Spattered with pink and aqua dabs of paint, the frame was clearly the product of the dark days of the Reagan administration. Perfect! Grabbing the item, she checked the size against the Norris photo. It was a perfect fit.
She took the frame up to the cashier, a woman with missing teeth who exclaimed, "Chuck Norris! My hero! Did you get him to autograph that picture for you in person?"
"Uh... no, " Eunice stammered.
"Chuck Norris is mah all-time favorite actor,” the cashier drawled. "Back when Channel 26 was showing 'Walker, Texas Ranger' three times a day, I watched every show. "
"Oh...” Eunice said. The woman was obviously one of those.
Photo and frame in hand, Eunice began to prepare for Krit's birthday dinner. Bathing and tweaking her eyebrows to perfection, she decided on a pink 1960's ball gown. The dress was from a drag queen friend of hers that had retired the item from his repertoire after he began to put on weight. Donning long drop earrings, full-length gloves and bright, obvious makeup, Eunice called to mind Sandra Dee gone punk.
Packing Krit's present into her bag, she sped to Arnold's Steakhouse, a hit with Eunice and her crowd. Arnold's Steakhouse was all used brick and wood paneling. The waitresses still dressed up like backup singers in a 1980's music video. Arnold's Steakhouse had never heard of the term, ‘vegetarian options’. The health-conscious checked their reserve, along with their coats at the door.
The party was at a long table, seating some twenty-plus people, all representing the worlds of art, fashion, media and high finance. Everyone was drunk and having the time of their lives.
One surprise guest at the party was Krit's mother. A regal, tragic figure, her fashionable clothes and makeup failed to coat her years of hardship. Eunice thought she looked very much like an East Indian woman who had suffered starvation and loss, and yet never lost her steel-clad sense of dignity.
The time arrived to exchange gifts. It was just as Eunice predicted. Everyone had bought Krit glassware. Exquisite vases, pitchers and plates, all to further festoon Krit's walls that threatened to collapse from the weight of display cases. Dewey had outdone everyone with a glass sculpture of a phoenix rising from the ashes. The styling evoked the early 1950's. Dewey was in many ways the bane of Eunice's existence. He hit the same shops as she did, and frequently beat her to all the best pieces.
Eunice had saved her gift for last. "Krit, dah-ling, you know how much I hate to wrap gifts. Such a waste of time and money! So, in that spirit…" Eunice reached into her bag and proffered the framed photo, "Here’s to you in the best of health!"
Krit took the photo and showed it to his mother. She saw the picture of Chuck Norris and became instantly wracked with sobs. She whispered something in Farsi into Krit's ear, and then crushed her wet face into his shoulder.
"Krit ... is anything wrong?" Eunice asked. The gift was in bad taste, but in a friendly sort of way.
"Terribly, terribly sorry," Krit said in an apologetic tone. "My mother is crying tears of gladness. For you see, she lived under terrible conditions in Iran. There was no joy and the days were long and hard. She was just thinking back to the days when she and her friends would meet clandestinely to watch highly illegal satellite feeds from the West. My mother, and all of her friends, risked death by watching the media you all take for granted.
Guess what Tiny is thinking...
"One of these so-called examples of 'decadent' western thought was ‘Walker, Texas Ranger' with Chuck Norris. My mother would watch this show whenever she could. She would look into Chuck Norris' kind blue eyes, delight in his friendly smile and swore that she would come to the United States, even if it meant losing everything she had, including her life. She made it here... but alas, her brother did not."
Krit's mother continued to sob as did the entire table until everyone in the restaurant fell under the steel grip of silence.
Eunice rose from her chair and staggered away from the table.
Usually bitchy, Dewey grabbed her by the arm in a sullen moment and declared, "Eunice, that was beautiful…"
Eunice didn’t even feel the hand on her arm. She slipped free and stumbled out of the restaurant in a daze. As she walked, the cold night air stabbed at her face and arms, her life in tatters at the heels of her sequined pumps.
Goodsell is a Kern 1410 AM reporter, a guard, a secret Amazon.com reviewer, a poet and storyteller.
Since then I have come to be a fan of Goodsell's sarcastic writing in short stories with his peculiar moral twists. Goodsell takes ordinary ideas and people and paints extraordinary circumstances with what is normally simplistic day-to-day thoughts.
He's coming out with a Noveltown e-book titled, "You know Who You Are" that's sure to tell some interesting tales about the great unknowns of humankind.
1410 AM reporter/writer Greg Goodsell
The sarcastic growl of Greg Goodsell
Enjoy this funny Chuck Norris piece that is sure to make you wonder whether old Eunice should have been a true fan of "Walker, Texas Ranger" instead of someone who took the show for granted...
This dog is going to be a star
*note: The photo shoot included his next door neighbor's dog, Tiny.
Best Wishes, Chuck Norris
By Greg Goodsell
On the lookout for Art Deco items on the cheap and pop cultural artifacts to pawn off for top dollar on eBay, Eunice had stumbled upon this ... this ... epiphany of kitsch. Sandwiched in between mounted baseball cards and vintage playbills was an autographed photo of Chuck Norris encased in shrink-wrap. The 5 x 7 black-and-white photograph showed the aging beefcake star in his role of "Walker, Texas Ranger.” The bearded sort-of actor looked out from the photo with a guarded stare from underneath his black cowboy hat, holding a rifle. Underneath his face to the left was his signature reading, "Best Wishes, Chuck Norris.” Eunice suppressed a convulsion of derisive laughter.
Only yesterday, Chuck Norris had been the topic of discussion between her and her friend Krit, an Iranian immigrant who had surpassed even her finely tuned sense of irony. They talked about how the man was a hopeless actor, and how in his first few films he had behaved as if the movie camera was intent on jumping out and devouring him. His films, they deduced, were intended for audiences at the dirty end of the Caucasian scale. "I'm gon' stick ya! I'm gon' stick ya!" muttered by a hillbilly antagonist with a pitchfork in BREAKER! BREAKER! (1977) was an all-around ice-breaker during their lulls in conversation.
Eunice chortled to herself when the proverbial light bulb went on over her head. This would make an excellent gift at Krit's birthday dinner! Amid all the chi-chi glassware Krit was sure to receive at the upcoming soiree, this little gift would be sure to provide the laughs and irreverence needed for the event. What the hell? She had the $6.50.
Walking up to the register, Eunice presented the photo to the cashier flashing a can-you-believe this? smile.
The cashier, an older gentleman, asked her, “So... are you a Chuck Norris fan?"
Eunice decided to play her part to the hilt. "Why, yes! I've seen all of his films!"
"I got to meet Chuck Norris when I was vacationing in Maui,” the cashier said. "One helluva nice guy. None of this movie star attitude. We kicked back, had a couple Mai Tais... had a real nice time!"
A woman who Eunice assumed was the cashier's wife came forward. "Chuck Norris! What a handsome man! The movies don't do him justice! A real nice guy, too!"
Eunice grew impatient. The joke was growing old. She paid for the item and left.
The photo needed a frame... and the frame would have to complement the picture. Pulling up to the 98-cent store near her fashionable townhouse, Eunice parked her restored '69 VW bug and went inside. The brightly lit aisles were packed with bored housewives who saw spending their expendable income on cheap, plastic junk as therapy. Eunice imagined she was the only person there not swathed in Dacron polyester.
Greg and Tiny: together as artists under the eye of N.L.
Settling on the picture frame aisle, she saw some rather horrific markdowns. Frames decorated with hand-painted teddy bears slapped together by some overworked native in a Third World sweatshop. There were frames that read “You’re My Favorite" and “World’s Greatest Mom!" These would simply not do.
Finally, Eunice's eyes fell upon an especially hideous frame. Spattered with pink and aqua dabs of paint, the frame was clearly the product of the dark days of the Reagan administration. Perfect! Grabbing the item, she checked the size against the Norris photo. It was a perfect fit.
She took the frame up to the cashier, a woman with missing teeth who exclaimed, "Chuck Norris! My hero! Did you get him to autograph that picture for you in person?"
"Uh... no, " Eunice stammered.
"Chuck Norris is mah all-time favorite actor,” the cashier drawled. "Back when Channel 26 was showing 'Walker, Texas Ranger' three times a day, I watched every show. "
"Oh...” Eunice said. The woman was obviously one of those.
Photo and frame in hand, Eunice began to prepare for Krit's birthday dinner. Bathing and tweaking her eyebrows to perfection, she decided on a pink 1960's ball gown. The dress was from a drag queen friend of hers that had retired the item from his repertoire after he began to put on weight. Donning long drop earrings, full-length gloves and bright, obvious makeup, Eunice called to mind Sandra Dee gone punk.
Packing Krit's present into her bag, she sped to Arnold's Steakhouse, a hit with Eunice and her crowd. Arnold's Steakhouse was all used brick and wood paneling. The waitresses still dressed up like backup singers in a 1980's music video. Arnold's Steakhouse had never heard of the term, ‘vegetarian options’. The health-conscious checked their reserve, along with their coats at the door.
The party was at a long table, seating some twenty-plus people, all representing the worlds of art, fashion, media and high finance. Everyone was drunk and having the time of their lives.
One surprise guest at the party was Krit's mother. A regal, tragic figure, her fashionable clothes and makeup failed to coat her years of hardship. Eunice thought she looked very much like an East Indian woman who had suffered starvation and loss, and yet never lost her steel-clad sense of dignity.
The time arrived to exchange gifts. It was just as Eunice predicted. Everyone had bought Krit glassware. Exquisite vases, pitchers and plates, all to further festoon Krit's walls that threatened to collapse from the weight of display cases. Dewey had outdone everyone with a glass sculpture of a phoenix rising from the ashes. The styling evoked the early 1950's. Dewey was in many ways the bane of Eunice's existence. He hit the same shops as she did, and frequently beat her to all the best pieces.
Eunice had saved her gift for last. "Krit, dah-ling, you know how much I hate to wrap gifts. Such a waste of time and money! So, in that spirit…" Eunice reached into her bag and proffered the framed photo, "Here’s to you in the best of health!"
Krit took the photo and showed it to his mother. She saw the picture of Chuck Norris and became instantly wracked with sobs. She whispered something in Farsi into Krit's ear, and then crushed her wet face into his shoulder.
"Krit ... is anything wrong?" Eunice asked. The gift was in bad taste, but in a friendly sort of way.
"Terribly, terribly sorry," Krit said in an apologetic tone. "My mother is crying tears of gladness. For you see, she lived under terrible conditions in Iran. There was no joy and the days were long and hard. She was just thinking back to the days when she and her friends would meet clandestinely to watch highly illegal satellite feeds from the West. My mother, and all of her friends, risked death by watching the media you all take for granted.
Guess what Tiny is thinking...
"One of these so-called examples of 'decadent' western thought was ‘Walker, Texas Ranger' with Chuck Norris. My mother would watch this show whenever she could. She would look into Chuck Norris' kind blue eyes, delight in his friendly smile and swore that she would come to the United States, even if it meant losing everything she had, including her life. She made it here... but alas, her brother did not."
Krit's mother continued to sob as did the entire table until everyone in the restaurant fell under the steel grip of silence.
Eunice rose from her chair and staggered away from the table.
Usually bitchy, Dewey grabbed her by the arm in a sullen moment and declared, "Eunice, that was beautiful…"
Eunice didn’t even feel the hand on her arm. She slipped free and stumbled out of the restaurant in a daze. As she walked, the cold night air stabbed at her face and arms, her life in tatters at the heels of her sequined pumps.
This entry was posted by N.L. Belardes, on
Tuesday, June 13, 2006.
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long life greg. don't knock the rock. stay sick, turn blue. love means never having to say you're ugly. wail baby, wail.
:)
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