Bella Byrd of the Bakersfield Rollergirls Backs down from Derby-novelist Fight - By N.L. Belardes

I saw this sticker in an SUV window...

I’m telling you, I showed up looking for eye contact and all I got was avoidance. There was a big benefit hoopla for the Bakersfield Rollergirls and I snuck in the front door of The Dome to check out the girls. Oh sure, they’re sexy, they had some wild outfits and some big funky quad skates. Yeah, and they might even be a little tough. But that Bella Byrd. I was expecting her and I in fisticuffs at center ring for a showdown of brute force versus hockey cheap shots with a stick to her ankles. I was ready—no doubt about that. I was going to throw down right in front of that revolutionary socialist punk, Sal.


Socialist Sal and his big hat singing "Arm the Poor!"


LIKHY2: best Spanish Rock in Buck City


Member of Esiah about to toast the Rollergirls

I might have even done a pre-warm-up dance around his cowboy hat, ripped right from his head—if Bella had even given me eye contact. LIKHY2 started playing and “Arm the poor!!” screams Sal. Oh, I love those guys—their Spanish rock is the best in town. But for some strange reason all I could think was GIVE ME THE WHORES!

Oh you all know I’m not shy. And there was lots of media there. No need for an N.L. report on all the play-by-play of the festivities. Yeah, the WHORES were in the house—all three of them and all three damn chords. You know them: Shantell, Heather and Darcie. Vocalist Darcie is head whore right now—six months into it. “I told her she didn’t have to be a whore to actually be in the band,” Shantell said. Shantell’s the drummer in Three Chord Whore, the official band of the Bakersfield Rollergirls. They now have their second skater song, a nice compendium to Zamboni Zombie, their Bakersfield Condor grunge ballad (Buy the CD and support Noveltown).

I sat in Shantell’s car and heard the new tunes. Ohhhh yeah… talk about dark angels of post-grunge angst now with some sweet hooks in the musack… oh baby, if Darcie weren’t shagalagabun-in-the-ovened up, I’d be beggin’ her to have my love child. Oh sing to me sweet Darcie Blake! Let’s run away to an island and make Mai Tai’s and cook love children and make whore music! (And thanks for the shout out on the back of the CD... first time ever!)


In the WHOREmobile


WHOREpick


WHOREbasket of goodness...

Oh forget it. She’s just a whore. No pulling her from THAT band of tough chick songs where men get smashed with lyrics the same way I would crush Bella Bryd with a cheap hockey shot to the gut.

Matildakay and I, fresh from Sam Sleuth’s black-and-white stage, were now in a world of full color sexy vixen skatergirls. No messin’ around here. I was in the Bakersfield Rollergirl house to size up the sexy competition. Competition you say? I’m telling you, I’ve skated against inline hockey girls who could pulverize most men… And I wanted to see if these Rollergirls are just a bunch of chickens on wheels. Oh yeah, they talk tough… but, does Dred Blocker really hate a sissy girl who can’t take a hit? Does Naughty Angel really think roller derby is cheaper than anger management classes? Maybe she really cries at every practice. Maybe Miss Disruption really has buns of Play-Doh, and not steel at all… And does Bella Byrd really drink Newcastle? Maybe she drinks watered-down lemon-lime Kool-Aid. Not necessarily a poor choice in wimp drinks, but you know what I mean.


A bunch of Rollergirl punks waiting for a riot

So when will these girls start performing their smashtown antics? And is it real or just WWF bullshit on wheels? I read in their flier, “Our games are not staged, the games are not fixed and all the fall and spills are the real deal!”

Bullshit. It’s all special effects and extra padding, I swear.


Skates of death...



Or maybe these Barbie-haters on wheels are going to be THAT tough? I’d like to see Bella Byrd put on the inline skates and try some hockey. Better yet, I’d like to see a charity game between Rollergirls in their cheater quad skates take on the over-aged hockey roller dudes and gals of Buck City. Throw in a couple of local celebrities and that might be fun watching the score rack up. Buck City hockey elite: 50. Rollergirls: 1.

OK, maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe I need to just take a deep breath and back off. Maybe I’m just feeling a little competitive… or maybe I’m just acting jealous that the local hockey chicks, some of whom have nearly scalped me, never saw so much community support as these derby girls are seeing. Roller derby in Bakersfield is creating a little buzz, and that’s good.




You lookin' at me? I shoulda dropped the camera and scrapped right then


There she is, Bella Byrd. Don't let her nice smile deceive you

I just want to know when their games are going to be so I can come down and cheer for some brutal Bakersfield hits. I’ve been watching Bakersfield skaters for years kick serious ass, and I’m not talking about the Condors. I remember team Clank, the Fighting Crabs, the Tailgators, Short Bus, the Bruins, my old Blackhawk come-from-behind championship team, and I need to slip in my old Vegas team: Doom. The hits were big and Bakersfield hasn’t seen hard-hitting on actual quads since the Roller Dogs played hockey in the old Standard Park League back in the mid-1990s. Ahh, the world of brutal skating. Hockey, derby, or just in-line jumps… gotta love it—it’s here.

This entry was posted by N.L. Belardes, on Sunday, August 13, 2006. You can leave your response.