A Writer in Yosemite, Part Five: The Attack of the Literary Agent - By N.L. Belardes

There’s a woman who works in the corporate world who I call a bulldog. She’s territorial. She doesn’t piss on herself, but she would on you if you crossed her. She’s got a thick invisible chain on her neck that makes her resemble some kind of metaphoric West Coast rapper who would pull a semi-automatic pistol just for you having food on the corner of your mouth. She’s that tough.

Of course I’ve never actually met a literary agent before, but I did try to corner one today who reminded me of the corporate bulldog. Ironically she also reminded me of my Mexican grandmother who used to wear leopard print jumpsuits, big blonde wigs, but who cooked the meanest homemade tortillas in San Jose, California. Only my grandma would invite you in for food. Not the literary agent. She would gobble all the food for herself and had a bite that would have left teeth marks in my ego if it weren’t for my humorous take on the entire dreaded affair. “Your titles are horrible! And you don’t get the age group you’re writing for!”

Ouch. Maybe I needed that. Here, take my leg too...

I wanted to get defensive. I might have been a little snooty. I can’t remember. But that’s what I get for cornering a bulldog. You never know. She may have been hungry. She might have needed to use the bathroom. I always used to tell myself about the corporate bulldog that if I brought little presents it would be like scratching her chin, stroking her scruff… She liked lottery tickets. But what did I have to give the literary agent? Four sheets of paper? Four proposals meant for minds sucked into the zaniness of Cartoon Network… stories meant for kids who sit sucked into Spongebob and who could turn off the boob tube and peer into the literary landscape of Harry Potter. A surefire mix.

Or maybe not. It wasn't like I had more than ten seconds with the bulldog. Do you realize how many bitemarks you can get in such a short amount of time??

Although I had good consultations with two literary agents today, I have to say that I was looking at the conference as the Haves and the Have Nots. Getting noticed in the literary world in part is an interesting competitive game. Elevator speeches are a must, and bulldog mentality sometimes comes out in a toughness because literary agents are salespersons. It’s very much about money and what’s hot for the Haves who often don’t want from the Have Nots…

Did I learn anything? Sure. I learned that it’s good to go through the ropes, that an attack makes you a better person (As long as you can still spawn children afterwards); and that when all is said and done, you can still be yourself, go sit at a pirate table, hoist a flag and tell stories.

Storytelling is beautiful when you’re sitting with Malcolm Margolin. He’s known some of the most wondrous characters who have stepped from pristine art, experimental and reknowned literature and culture into his life. I learned more about myself and my interests from such vigorous storytelling: a World War Two Japanese man who saw on radar the plane headed for Hiroshima and tried to warn his fellow countrymen, an artist who painted birds who once courted a baby owl that was carved up and eaten, and magical artists from India who traveled America and wondered about local products and culture. We sat and spoke about our common yet uncommon pasts. Each of us at the table escaped estranged childhoods yet cling onto our cultural upbringing as a means to uphold an essence of self and humanity.

Sure, there was a literary agent attack… but there was healing as well, and there was storytelling that surpassed the drooling jowls of the publishing industry.

Matildakay reports:

A great literary weekend
What's your type?
The Mary Wong Lee Memorial Scholarship
Malcolm Margolin is Posh
Hanging out with the Pirates of Yosemite and setting the record straight
Kill Your Darlings

N.L. on Paperback Writer reports:

A Writer in Yosemite: Part One
A Writer in Yosemite: Part Two
A Writer in Yosemite: Part Three
A Writer in Yosemite: Part Four
A Writer in Yosemite: Part Five
A Writer in Yosemite: Part Six
A Writer in Yosemite: Part Seven
A Writer in Yosemite: Part Eight

This entry was posted by N.L. Belardes, on Saturday, August 26, 2006. You can leave your response.