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Paperback Writer: A Bakersfield, California literature, music and news blog

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A stretchy pants Christmas sleigh ride - By N.L. Belardes

A stretchy pants Christmas sleigh ride:

On Heath, you disgruntled red-nosed XMAS jerk,
The Queers still love you, and that's worth more than dirt!
On Matt, you Bakotopia ska-lunk,
On Matildakay,
On Ghost of Buck!
On Rudolph Ranter,
And Cubicle Dweller!
On Miss Meg,
It's a pie making day!
On Sonicrusk and Rob Shock!
On Baketown and Schnapps!
On Twinkie you stinkie
And on DW
You're trouble, you!

  1. Blogger Dobbler | 8:30 PM |  

    Classic!

    I hear tell of a Buck Comp. coming soon... Like, What say you N.L. ?

    Heath Dobbler

  2. Blogger n.l. | 8:36 PM |  

    I've heard some gossip you sex-starved SCROOGE.

  3. Blogger chingpea | 8:43 PM |  

    cute. what?! no shout out? i risk my tummy for you, bandito... lol.

    it's cool, matildakay, twinkie and d-woogoogoo got theirs. :)

    way to get in the christmas spirit!

  4. Blogger n.l. | 8:49 PM |  

    I'm devoting an entire poem to you, chingpea, about an elf that only eats fishheads with nimble fingers and builds toys that smell like fish.

  5. Blogger n.l. | 8:51 PM |  

    For all those people who think you're hot. You really just smell like Red Snapper.

  6. Blogger Matildakay | 8:54 PM |  

    Great poem! And thanks for the shout out!

  7. Blogger n.l. | 8:58 PM |  

    You mean, "great shitty poem".

  8. Anonymous Norma | 9:20 PM |  

    HEY! I'm not stinkie. Only my beautiful Avon canvas purse is.

    whooo hoooo
    I got a shout out... I got a shout out.. And it wasn't from the voices in my head this time! yeah!

    Now going off to follow the Dobbler links. I wanna know what N.L. is talking about when calling him a sex deprived scrooge. I thought I was the only one in the Central Valley.

  9. Anonymous Norma | 9:55 PM |  

    Oops... I meant a scrooge... forget that sex deprived stuff.

    Sorry Dobbler, sucks for you. hehe

  10. Anonymous DB | 12:18 AM |  

    That was certainly interesting. I don't know who all those people are, but apparently they all must have a great sense of humor.

    And the link in your comment to "chingpea" is funny. Either she actually thinks "she's all that" (SUCKS) or she has a wicked funny bone (that would be HOT).

  11. Blogger n.l. | 6:20 AM |  

    DB: chingpea has a sense of humor more wicked than anyone I know... she's hilarious. Thanks for reading the site...

  12. Anonymous S. R. | 7:41 AM |  

    Ho ho ho

    Moderation and word gibbirish?? Oh brother!

  13. Blogger n.l. | 7:48 AM |  

    I keep getting a lot of spam. And I have to moderate. Too many weirdos trying to post anonymous freaky crap.

  14. Blogger Annie Black | 8:13 AM |  

    BAHUMBUG!
    And here I dedicated and entire story to you...*huff*

    Oh well. I guess I'll have to buy you lunch in order to get a shout out.

    Heh.

    Of course, if you decide to publish this comment, than this is all the shout out I really NEED. :)

  15. Blogger n.l. | 8:36 AM |  

    Annie Black!! What story? You have 135 websites. post a link! Link Link Link!

  16. Anonymous Norma | 11:01 AM |  

    I read dobblers latest blog entry last night and I just wanted to tell him, "somebody out there has it worse, so keep your chin up."

    I was trying to think of something similarly annoying to say but I can't think right now since my brain surgery, and my double leg amputation and personality displacement and the cold medication I'm on is making me drowsy not to mention the ten voices in my head trying to get my attention right now don't help either.
    hee hee ho ho
    Anyways, I always read his site. So it was nice to finally have a new entry. hehe. I'm a big time lurker over there.

  17. Blogger jenny angel | 4:19 PM |  

    i don't know anyone, so i can't make a parody... oh well! happy holidays!

  18. Blogger dw | 4:37 PM |  

    "a trouble xmas"

    trouble
    santa
    trouble
    chimney
    trouble
    milk
    trouble
    gimme
    trouble
    crumbs
    trouble
    floor
    trouble
    locked
    trouble
    door
    trouble
    tree light
    trouble
    shorted wire
    trouble
    santa's fat ass
    trouble
    raging fire...
    trouble.
    -troubleman

  19. Anonymous Norma | 8:48 PM |  

    d.w. and n.l.

    The only two men I know that too cool for real names. They just use initials. And they write awesome poetry. And awesome blogs.. which btw.. why AGAIN did you delete yours, d.w.? Did the graffiti bandits catch wind of it so you had relocate and take on a new identity under the "Blogging Witness Protection Program" or something?

  20. Blogger n.l. | 9:05 PM |  

    Santa rapper

    Santa rapper
    Santa trapper
    Bling bling tinsel
    On a tree of dope.
    Reindeer masta
    Elf disasta
    Rap it out
    And kiss da Pope.
    Christmas cheer
    That’s my holiday beer
    A spirit of get it,
    I want it tonight.
    Show me your Wii
    and I’ll get you my console disease
    Bling bling iPods
    Hanging from my Christmas tree
    Now get this Vix
    Your sleigh’s no bliss
    Pimp it out with candy cane bits
    You know what I’m sayin’
    you greedy little bitch
    black coals
    black soul
    More dough
    Stockings with holes
    More baby trolls
    Than your big-headed
    snowmobile turnin’
    Donuts like cheerios

  21. Anonymous Norma | 9:21 PM |  

    duuuuude! Santa Rapper... I love it... seriously!

  22. Blogger Dobbler | 10:36 PM |  

    Thanks for reading the blog Norma... It's much appreciated... and sorry for the lack of updates.

    By the way, how are them prosthetics working out?

    Heath Dobbler

  23. Blogger Miss Meg | 11:19 PM |  

    best ever!

  24. Blogger dw | 8:04 AM |  

    Christmas at baby's mall
    Hummer chicks feel ten feet tall
    plastic smiles
    fingernail files
    mastercard sheep wall to wall

    their Santa's a crusty old fart
    kids shoved in line for his heart
    "What'll it be?"
    "You better not pee!"
    "I'm pullin' double shift at KMART!"

    bath beads, tv pong, stickers
    cellphone booth barkers and dickers
    a java stop too
    big howdy fuckin doo
    mall watcher cinnabun lickers!

    baggie pants, high dollar skirts
    label hats, sweaters and shirts
    sale guide junkies
    whore panty monkeys
    bags load men slaves til it hurts

    book stores chopped down like weeds
    electric heroin spoon feeds
    computer game retina
    gettin' one, bettin' ya
    American Eagle's new breeds

    oh Santa, oh Santa, one wish
    bring back the center court fish
    I want to remember
    an 80's December
    Jolly Rogers, a beer, satellite dish

  25. Blogger Annie Black | 9:52 AM |  

    Shouldn't that be Santa WRAPPER?
    Pffffffbbbbbbbbbbbbtttttt...

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