Top Ten Christmas list for the literary-minded blogger - By N.L. Belardes
I know you all have been waiting for me to bust out with a top ten gift list. The emails have literally been pouring in like coal into this year's Santa stockings above your cardboard mantle.
10. Playstation 3 or Nintendo Wii: It’s kind of like the space race for gamers. Everyone wants to beat Russia to the moon and their neighbors to the next generation video game consol. I say either or. Why? Either way you’re up with the Joneses. The problem is hooking up with one of these bad boys before Xmas. I recommend befriending workers at Target. Slip them a twenty every day until they finally call you with those golden words, “Shipment in.” Playstation 3: $600 Nintendo Wii: $250
9. Take a course from Mediabistro.com: This is a fundamental chore for writers trying to break into the biz. Take the class on “becoming a video journalist” with another blogger. Split the cost. Then share notes with me. $65
8. The Central Valley Media Book Collection: Bonnie Hearn Hill’s If It Bleeds, Edward Humes Mean Justice, and N.L. Belardes Lords: Part One. If you want to know about Bakersfield and the Central Valley, these are must reads. If you live in Bakersfield, you’ll sleep with a gun under your pillow for a while after reading them all. Cost for all three: Mean Justice: .50 used, If It Bleeds: $7.00 Lords: $13.95 Total: $21.45
7. Drugs are Nice: Lisa Crystal Carver said I gave her book its worst review, ever. Then she sent out a newsletter to all her friends. Her book is disgusting. Yet it’s a stream from counterculture history that I love… check it out. Then go steal a copy of Kerouac’s On The Road just so you feel alive. $11.20
6. Futureproof: N. Frank Daniels wrote what I think is the best book of the year. It’s drug addiction in counterculture Atlanta, and I think is a great case study for what I call in my own writings as the Dead Generation: MTV-sucked rebellious youth without direction submerse in a culture of nothingness… If you like Kerouac, Kesey, Trocchi, Jones, Burroughs, Ginsberg… then read Futureproof. $20
5. Punk Shui Couch: It’s a piece of shit with holes. It used to be my idiot brother’s. It’s been axed, knifed, scissored, and more. Would look great in a shitty apartment in need of disfigured art. I recommend adding more holes. If I’m ever a famous writer you’ll kick yourself for not purchasing at such a low price. Let the bidding wars start at .50 cents. Punk Shui guitar not included. Idiot brother not eligible.
4. Voyage to Hollywood and LA Chinatown: If your car can make it over the Grapevine, then I recommend Holiday travels to get some fodder for your blog. But yes, make this a present for a friend. That way you kill two birds... Sure, you could go to San Fran, but why? Hollywood is closer. You might have a star sighting. And you can eat at Hop Louie’s in Chinatown. Jackie Chan and Jet Li have eaten there. Take your girlfriend or boyfriend and you can have sex in the mountains on the way back. Beware of CHP. $100 and some extra spending money.
3.Pismo family weekend vacation: Screw Christmas. Go boogie boarding in a full wetsuit rental, eat cinnamon rolls, clam chowder, and bask in ocean weather, away from Bakersfield, and far from the LA scene. Have sex on the beach. But watch out for crabs. Both kinds. $350
2. Join a non-participating religion just for the holidays. I’ve always thought about trying this. You know, become a Jehovah’s Witness from now until December 26th. Alleviate all sense of giving and you can still drink Coca-cola and sip eggnog. Do it without guilt and you can still invite yourself to Xmas parties. Free. Consider it your gift to the world. Don’t forget to recant before the New Year.
1. Santa’s Sing-A-Long: This is by far the cheesiest gift of the year. I got 5 press releases from Joe Wheeler out of Las Vegas and so I finally buckled and wrote him back, “Sure, send me the CD and DVD.” This cheesy-sounding CD is the perfect white elephant gift for any XMAS party. Not only is this CD the cheesiest Vegas-style holiday gift you could ever give, I actually think that most of America’s brain dead kids under age 5 will love it. I can only imagine the torture as the songs and voices are terrible. It’s a must. I recommend the CD rather than the DVD as the images might be too disturbing. I haven’t been brave enough to pop open the DVD. Oh yeah, the Las Vegas Review-Journal liked it. Go Figure. CD $11.99
The Santa sing-a-long guy
10. Playstation 3 or Nintendo Wii: It’s kind of like the space race for gamers. Everyone wants to beat Russia to the moon and their neighbors to the next generation video game consol. I say either or. Why? Either way you’re up with the Joneses. The problem is hooking up with one of these bad boys before Xmas. I recommend befriending workers at Target. Slip them a twenty every day until they finally call you with those golden words, “Shipment in.” Playstation 3: $600 Nintendo Wii: $250
9. Take a course from Mediabistro.com: This is a fundamental chore for writers trying to break into the biz. Take the class on “becoming a video journalist” with another blogger. Split the cost. Then share notes with me. $65
8. The Central Valley Media Book Collection: Bonnie Hearn Hill’s If It Bleeds, Edward Humes Mean Justice, and N.L. Belardes Lords: Part One. If you want to know about Bakersfield and the Central Valley, these are must reads. If you live in Bakersfield, you’ll sleep with a gun under your pillow for a while after reading them all. Cost for all three: Mean Justice: .50 used, If It Bleeds: $7.00 Lords: $13.95 Total: $21.45
7. Drugs are Nice: Lisa Crystal Carver said I gave her book its worst review, ever. Then she sent out a newsletter to all her friends. Her book is disgusting. Yet it’s a stream from counterculture history that I love… check it out. Then go steal a copy of Kerouac’s On The Road just so you feel alive. $11.20
6. Futureproof: N. Frank Daniels wrote what I think is the best book of the year. It’s drug addiction in counterculture Atlanta, and I think is a great case study for what I call in my own writings as the Dead Generation: MTV-sucked rebellious youth without direction submerse in a culture of nothingness… If you like Kerouac, Kesey, Trocchi, Jones, Burroughs, Ginsberg… then read Futureproof. $20
5. Punk Shui Couch: It’s a piece of shit with holes. It used to be my idiot brother’s. It’s been axed, knifed, scissored, and more. Would look great in a shitty apartment in need of disfigured art. I recommend adding more holes. If I’m ever a famous writer you’ll kick yourself for not purchasing at such a low price. Let the bidding wars start at .50 cents. Punk Shui guitar not included. Idiot brother not eligible.
4. Voyage to Hollywood and LA Chinatown: If your car can make it over the Grapevine, then I recommend Holiday travels to get some fodder for your blog. But yes, make this a present for a friend. That way you kill two birds... Sure, you could go to San Fran, but why? Hollywood is closer. You might have a star sighting. And you can eat at Hop Louie’s in Chinatown. Jackie Chan and Jet Li have eaten there. Take your girlfriend or boyfriend and you can have sex in the mountains on the way back. Beware of CHP. $100 and some extra spending money.
3.Pismo family weekend vacation: Screw Christmas. Go boogie boarding in a full wetsuit rental, eat cinnamon rolls, clam chowder, and bask in ocean weather, away from Bakersfield, and far from the LA scene. Have sex on the beach. But watch out for crabs. Both kinds. $350
2. Join a non-participating religion just for the holidays. I’ve always thought about trying this. You know, become a Jehovah’s Witness from now until December 26th. Alleviate all sense of giving and you can still drink Coca-cola and sip eggnog. Do it without guilt and you can still invite yourself to Xmas parties. Free. Consider it your gift to the world. Don’t forget to recant before the New Year.
1. Santa’s Sing-A-Long: This is by far the cheesiest gift of the year. I got 5 press releases from Joe Wheeler out of Las Vegas and so I finally buckled and wrote him back, “Sure, send me the CD and DVD.” This cheesy-sounding CD is the perfect white elephant gift for any XMAS party. Not only is this CD the cheesiest Vegas-style holiday gift you could ever give, I actually think that most of America’s brain dead kids under age 5 will love it. I can only imagine the torture as the songs and voices are terrible. It’s a must. I recommend the CD rather than the DVD as the images might be too disturbing. I haven’t been brave enough to pop open the DVD. Oh yeah, the Las Vegas Review-Journal liked it. Go Figure. CD $11.99
The Santa sing-a-long guy
This entry was posted by N.L. Belardes, on
Tuesday, December 05, 2006.
You can leave your response.
Dear Santa,
I want shoes that fit comfortably, pants which have legs that are long enough to cover my OWN legs (at least long enough to reach the tops of said comfortably fitting shoes) and tops that have sleeves long enough to cover my arms, but not long enough to be mistaken for the legs of said pants which extend to the tops of my comfortably fitting shoes.
That was all.
Well, not really, but that's all I'm putting HERE. To see the rest of my Christmas list, you have to read MY blog.
Bah Humbug!
What, no books by New England Writers about New England Writers? I hate that phenomenon. Same as kitschy New York Writers writing about Kitschy New York Writers.
While I'm here, let me just say that I am also tired of commercials that take place in bland, autonomous offices, or trendy start-ups. There are a shitload of "trendy" hipsters in TV commercials. Fucking enough.
Per your request, Sir.
Good luck finding either of #10… it’s a BITCH to catch.
#5 is just hilarious… how about to big league chews and an old shoe for that punk shui couch?
I’ll take #4 any day!
#1… I have to admit, I just got this one as a gift. SCARY…
Thanks for your suggestions, man!
chingpea: your #5 bid had been logged.
Annie: your blog is hilarious
s.r.: I am pleading the 5th about NY writers
duuuuuuuuuude! If YOU give ME $50 I might pick up that punk shui'd couch and take it to the dump for yah. MAYBE!
Art critic.
I'll take it to the dump for $40!!!
another art critic.
ok OK.... give me $20.00 and I'll dump it in an alley somewhere.
But, I'll pay you $20.00 for that adorable picture of your kids hanging out punk shui style.
deal!
10. Playstation 3 or Nintendo Wii: ok seriously... another new one? Didn't we JUST buy the Playstation 2 a year ago? Jeepers creepers!
9. Take a course from Mediabistro.com: I hope someone does this and takes notes.. then shares them with you. Because then you can post them as a blog and I can get the info from it.
8. The Central Valley Media Book Collection:If you live in Bakersfield, you’ll sleep with a gun under your pillow for a while after reading them all. I can vouch for that. I have never been the same since I read Lords Part One. Seriously!
7. Drugs are Nice: Just got my copy in the mail the other day! whoo hooo!
6. Futureproof: His book actually sounds very interesting to me. I think it's gonna be my next amazon.com purchase!
5. Punk Shui Couch: It’s a piece of shit with holes. couldn't agree with you more! haha
4. Voyage to Hollywood and LA Chinatown: HEY I was just there this Sunday. My friends and I went to a taping of Comedy Central's Last Laugh 2006. It airs this Sunday at 10:00pm I hope they don't edit the part where I BOOED one of the comedians during his K-Fed and Brittney Spears joke. tee hee.
3.Pismo family weekend vacation: we're camping there for New Years! whoo hooo!
2. Join a non-participating religion just for the holidays. OMG... N.L. you're hilarious.
1. Santa’s Sing-A-Long: You should make your own. haha. And post it here.
Well...that couch still looks somewhat functional,so...get it to one of those Goodwill trailers, take $50 for donation tax credit, and the next time I see ya, I'll give you $20 for a great year of blogulational fun and frivolity!
We all should!
Just give me the 20 bucks!
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