Local Bakersfield band American Standard to film video at The Mint Bar - By N.L. Belardes
Scotty from American Standard announced in a myspace bulletin that he and the boys will be filming a music video with local videographer Frank Kruz.
I keep hearing the possibility of American Standard getting signed and I hope their video marks another step in that direction. According to Frank Kruz in an interview today he said the video will center around various bar fight scenes. "For the most part we don't plan on synching the video," he said. So expect chaos.
Scotty mentioned filming for the song, "Pushing Through" will happen on December 6th at the Mint between 7pm and 10 pm.
The Random Times in Bakersfield Main Stream Media - By N.L. Belardes
It's great the Random Times got mentioned in the Bakersfield Californian. Yet, I don't know why they wanted to get main stream media press if they're an alternative to the local Bakersfield MSM. Interesting, but I don't think the main stream press brings credibility or validity to a local alternative press. Consistency, and consistent good articles will build readership and loyal readers at that. And hopefully the Random Times will enjoy some success, although they mingle with the writer/publisher from The Elitist Press who I believe is possibly responsible for myspace.com hate sites. I believe it's the Elitist Press complete lack of integrity which caused their paper to crumble, and people from their staff who continue to spew hate (although I have a sense of humor and still love the Samoan shower scene).
A portion of Erik Loyd's article reads:
He (Mongold) said he's passionate about politics but isn't interested in muckraking, finger-pointing and promoting wild conspiracy theories, as is often the case with independent papers. What he wants is thoughtful, well-written and relevant journalism, and Random Times will accept anything from anyone -- for free, of course.
"There will never be anything in there that serves no purpose," Mongold said. "There will never be anything in there that is malicious."
Maybe not in the Random Times, but malicious name-calling on Paperback Writer has occurred in the name of The Random Times. Is there a line between print an online when it comes to a paper or its representatives making malicious statements? Interesting. You decide.
I can no longer suppress the online discourse between citizens, myself, and the Random Times. In the end I have to show more integrity by allowing the discourse, than by disallowing. Originally it was my idea to pull the articles. But after reading the Californian report, I believe that readers will want to read all sides of issues regarding the Random Times.
I am not republishing out of malice, but out of the need to not suppress what I believe is a very minor news story in the happenings of Bakersfield media. I wish the Random Times nothing but success in their endeavors. We can all learn from discourse. I know I do.
Lost Ocean finds new production sounds in EMI e.p. Night to Life - By N.L. Belardes
The boys of Lost Ocean geared up recently for a big tour up the California coast and into Oregon and Washington. They have a big new e.p. recorded at Windyham Farm castle, AKA, “The Castle”, a big stony structure even more fondly known as Al Capone’s castle. It was his bookmaker John Welch’s lair in the late Twenties and into the 30s. The castle rests on a hill overlooking Nashville, and for a spell was where Credential Recordings—Bakersfield band Lost Ocean’s EMI label—sent them for a wild ride through big league recording sessions.
Lost Ocean records in Nashville
Credential Recordings, an affiliate of EMI, paid for the whole enchilada. Or was Lost Ocean placed on their label by EMI? Or do such sub-labels bid for bands? I’m not sure how it works.
What I can say is: Lost Ocean is a group of exciting young musicians making rock music with a positive flair that has girls flocking to their shows.
OK I’m exaggerating, but not by much. Girls do dig the boys of Lost Ocean. I've seen it first hand: oogling eyes and chest heavy sighs at a Lost Ocean performance. These guys are the natural blonde version of those old Abbey Road guys and with California style and charm. Their entire image change has recently been spun by their studio with a wholesome sound and a clothing line backing up their progress to stardom. Yes, Ephraim Clothing endorses Lost Ocean with their mild Christian tones and hip styles.
Trendy? Only as trendy as you or I might want to be. Emo? Actually that’s a strange word that is ambiguous in its description of hair styles and trendy pop music more than anything. Lost Ocean’s music reflects a spirituality far deeper than catchy radio songs you’d buy off the rack at Starbucks (Although their clothes mark them as middle class trend setters).
Take their underground CD, Douse the Choir, a ballad-filled CD of keyboard symphonic sounds. It’s deeply complex musically though lyrically skims the surface of man’s connection between spirituality, temptation and humanity. It’s lightly preachy but the music steals the show and pulls you from the message into a deep sound ala Coldplay meets the Beatles with a smattering of Burt Bacharach. Leave out the Elvis Costello duets. Lost Ocean music rocks—it’s a splash of sound, not sinister at all like a creepy industrial Korn groove (Gotta love the Bakersfield nu-metal world takeover), but more joyful, passionate rocking sounds that speak to an audience that they’re trying to widen with the polished sounds from their new e.p. Night to Life.
Lost Ocean silliness...
Many Lost Ocean fans have yet to be made, but hopefully will see the new light of this exciting young band through their intensely enjoyable e.p. It’s a catchier trip than the now hard-to-find Douse the Choir.
I asked Bret Black, bass player for Lost Ocean, "What's the reaction been so far to Lost Ocean's more radio friendly sounds and the new Night to Life e.p.?"
Bret wrote:
We've gotten a really good response. Our initial stuff (douse the choir) was a little more artsy...well, I dont know I'd like to think the new stuff is just as or even more artsy then before; just smarter. Douse the Choir was pretty much the 11 out of the first 13 songs we had recorded so we weren't even sure what we sounded like. We just knew what those songs sounded like. I think once we started writing a lot more we got to see how our songs really sounded and what we'd like to accomplish, and I think "night to life" represents that sound. We're really very happy with the great response we've gotten from everyone. Everyone's been great but the ep is really just a little idea we had to do, something to use until the record gets released. The album we're working on is what we really want people to hear. That's what we're really excited about.
Now here's my take on Night to Life:
“Lights” begins with Skyler’s trademark keyboard sounds—piano and the hum of synth noise. In comes Jeff Grey’s guitar work and voice over the melody of music in piano riffs edged over a distorted chorus. Trademark sounds at Skyler’s young age? Yes, because he’s an original Bakersfield rocking style of keyboard sounds as he gels with his cohorts in rock and roll. Although, locally, Rohan from Behold a Pale Horse and Jenny of the Dusk Devils would give him a run for his money on pure keyboard talent. Not to mention, Rohan has dreads and can make his eyes roll up into the back of his head while he performs. Maybe Skyler will grow into that (Rohan trivia: he performs music and makes a guest appearance in Hectic Films Fly on the Wall Episode 3)
I get sucked into “Just Glide” every time I listen to Night to Life. Once again, it’s those darn Skyler keyboard hooks. Of course Christopher Short gets a little militaristic with his drumming which has been a percussion sound that’s captured me since the first time I listened to Sunday Bloody Sunday back in the 1980s. Jeff Grey sings a catchy melody that’s far more radio friendly than any Lost Ocean song I’ve ever heard. “Come with me it’s time to move our feet…”
“You Are” is song about choices and hiding. I like a song that I can listen to lyrics and hear a message. Lost Ocean's lyrics are a discourse through human issues that people grapple with every day. “I’ve been worried about you. Maybe I had it all too well. You are somewhere else. You are… Something’s troubling you. It’s not difficult to see you were someone else. You were… You were strong a while. You learned to fake a smile…One chose to stay, the other flew away. One chose to stray… the promises they made…We will try to hide. We will make it on our own…”
Lost Ocean’s most powerful song on Night to Life is “Everything Is”. It’s a strong piece of music on all fronts and has a very Beatlesque tone with an easily addicting chorus. Bret Black adds some driving bass that makes the song really work as a passionate Lost Ocean work of art. It’s the mix on this song, and a mastering sheen that really makes the song work so well with Jeff’s vocals… the keyboards hover throughout.
Although I’ve listened to their CD about 50 times by now, I still find “For Our Sake” one of the weaker Lost Ocean songs. It has its strong points in that it’s driven by Lost Ocean’s great ability to throw in a catchy chorus. And though it ends the e.p. well, it’s Night to Life’s other songs that make me constantly listen through halfway again before I take the CD out of the player.
Click on the above banner to purchase Night to Life
Lost Ocean is on the rise with a big tour with the band Ruth, and then a Credential Recordings tour—both beginning as soon as 2007 hits.
The Blackboard Free Press to gallop back from a dusty sunset - By N.L. Belardes
Bakersfield's Blackboard Free Press is coming back into existence? What could this mean? Newspapers on every street corner? Media gunfights on Eye Street? It's like an old Honky Tonk rising from the dusty Central Valley topsoil, only this in the form of parchment. In an email titled, "Like a Phoenix", Richard Bramer has announced "The Blackboard will rise again!!"
Richard writes,
I am now the proud owner of a practically non-existent newspaper. I have the business license and dba under my name. I would like to start meeting with interested parties - to start the network back up again...
I would like to have a meeting Saturday afternoon at Dagny's to help start things up. Hopefully we can have a paper on the street for January.
Richard followed up with a comment post in the blog entry "Baby got BIFF 2.0" by writing:
Speaking about all the press that wasn't there...
The Blackboard will be starting up again and is looking for your help. All interested parties email me at dirtyshirt@sbcglobal.net. If you're interested AND want to write or work on the rebirth, show up at Dagny's Saturday December 2 at 1:00. Meet the new editor/owner Richard Bramer.
You know I hate to write reviews of my own stuff. But since Bakosmokia wasn’t in the house, and all those other presses weren’t in da house… oh wait. Melvin Wells from TV 17 was in the house!
Rock it.
BIFF 2.0 was a great time.
I eased myself into the festival this time around. Noveltown had prizes, but I only came to portions. I missed Griffin’s big stop motion flick—though I’d seen it before. You know the one. Snowmen on a snowy day kind of flicka.
I did see Dane B’s wacky March of the Beers. Dug it! Though I missed Eggs 1 and Eggs 2. I had seen Eggs 1 at the Spotlight before, and Eggs 2—I saw that online. I watch lots of Dane’s short flicks online. They’re fun and family oriented.
Two filmmakers of the present: Dane B. and Griffin
And then there was the Q & A with the mighty Griffin and Dane B. I asked Dane if there was going to be an Eggs 3. He gave me a mysterious answer, saying, “You never know…” He also works for Bakersfield.com, sometimes working on as many as three news videos per day. That’s a lot of work…
I snapped Griffin’s pic after the Q & A. Filmmaker of the future… oh yeah!
Griffin Park-Hall
Later came some great films… most excellent. I always dig Hectic Films’, Skip. Very nauseating. But in a good way!
I saw Nolan Portillo and Walter Evans flick "One Down...More to Go" about a kid stalking a pedophile. Creepy!
“Projector” was an incredible short film that had Youthanasia star Justin Zachary…
Three film gems showed right before Cinema of the Lords: Dies Irie, Black Gulch, and 7 Minutes in Iraq. Yowsa. Black Gulch has won a bunch of awards. A must see. 7 Minutes in Iraq was disturbing and passionate. But the sound had technical difficulties. Dies Irie had a cool fight scene…
Cinema of the Lords was a rousing success. To make the night even more creepy were the technical difficulties that Rickey Bird of Hectic Films had to overcome to get the show hoppin’. He succeeded and we were into Cinema of the Lords, which kicked off with a crazy documentary on The Lords of Bakersfield, "Chronicle of the Lords". Even though what we showed was very raw, the crowd dug this film by N.L. Belardes (me) and Hectic Films.
We had a great and creepy time filming and conducting interviews for the 30 minute documentary (We’re going to boost it into an hour documentary with more interviews and some rather scary dramatizations).
I get weirded out during the Beach Park bathroom scenes. Ughhh!
Next up were four film that consisted of shorts by Hectic Films, Greg Goodsell, Landen Belardes, and Matt Keiley. One more film by Dane B. is still in the works.
Every film got rousing applause, and I worked the MIC as show host. I cracked as many bad jokes as I could. That’s always easy from a sound booth…
Stay tuned as I will be posting all four entries and allow you all to discuss who you think should be the winners of Cinema of the Lords...
I’m looking forward to BIFF 2.5! Thanks everyone! (Roger Mathey of Seat of Your Pants Productions, The Gernert Company, Spotlight Theatre, Russo’s Books, Hectic Films, Noveltown friends, Filmmakers, and everyone who bought raffle tickets and who enjoyed the shows!
People keep asking me, “Why did you pull your articles on the Random Times?’
I skirt the issue. I dance around it. Why not be playful? Anyone reading the articles could pull a dozen reasons out the smoggy Bakersfield air as to why I pulled those blogs down.
They really weren’t any more controversial than other news I write. It was the news about an aggressive new newspaper.
So should I suppress news? No, especially when a local newspaper allows a writer from the defunct Elitist Press to publish an article, knowing full well he/she is likely the cause of myspace.com hate sites about me. And yes, the online threats and hate sites are still popping up.
So why, when I’m just reporting the news did I take my articles down?
I guess you’ll have to truly answer that question for yourself.
Would you buy a book from a butt muncher? A peek at Lisa Crystal Carver's post-punk memoir Drugs Are Nice - By N.L. Belardes
Counterculture memoir in the raw...
Sure, I'd even buy two books from a well-written butt muncher.
I mean, I could be inspired from the book itself to munch a butt or two…
And would gender matter? Now I’m scaring myself.
I hadn't read such a raw memoir as Lisa Crystal Carver's Drugs Are Nice: A Post Punk Memoir since reading Jan Kerouac's Baby Driver. You all know Jan Kerouac, right? She was the only offspring of Jack Kerouac, lived a nomadic life and died from kidney failure at a young age. Baby Driver is an amazing raw work of art—humanity on the edge.
Don’t worry. Lisa Crystal Carver is going to be kicking for a long while longer.
They are... and then your life falls apart.
I admitted to Lisa’s agent, Erin Hosier of The Gernert Company that I was intimidated for once. How could I interview someone who had experienced so much life? So much punk? So many travels? So much… ass?
I live in a cardboard box compared to Lisa Crystal Carver. Hell, she writes for Nerve.com (Read her article, “Lost: The first time I had sex after a miscarriage”). And she was in Suckdog, one of the premiere punk opera bands of all time. I could write about her zine sensation, Rollerderby, and all the famous people she has met through the years, including the infamous GG Allin. Erin assured me that Lisa is indeed human, and harmless.
That’s good to know.
Drugs Are Nice builds at first as a punk memoir about an unmanageable kid suckdogged into a life of raw punk, where nothing matters but the stage of life, where punk is the opera of anything and everything, and being young means unraveling right there on the stage.
What's inside? Sex talk? Life talk? Girl talk? What?
Eventually, Drugs are Nice takes a more monumental shape, one that links the common experience of oppression, especially that bound by a woman’s submission to the world of one male super ego. It’s how Lisa Crystal Carver manages her feelings about her father, about the other men in her life, and how she makes the biggest sacrifices a mother can make for her child.
Drugs are Nice is a funny read, a disgusting read, and one of real life obstacles, expectations, the joy of being a parent, and of the succumbing to evil parents, all in one work of literary art. For those who read counterculture works, Drugs are Nice is a must read...
Oppression: hate it.
With that said, on to my fabulous interview with Lisa Crystal Carver:
N.L: Drugs are Nice at first reads like the experiences of a girl living in the fast lane of punk days. Yet the reader discovers clues along the way, decisions the girl makes that leads her (you) into a situation of oppression. Care to elaborate on some of those clues?
Lisa: I hate when people read the book! Can't you just look at the cover?
N.L: I can't help but want to find Boyd and kick him in the nuts. He's the kind of guy that sinks those around him to the lowest of lows. Does your book speak out as a slap in the face of all oppressors, does any certain person(s) come to mind, or?
Lisa: Ah, yes, oppressors. I do seek them out, worm my way into their confidence, then I seem to attempt to destroy them from within. It's childhood revenge. Laying the father then slaying the father.
Lisa interviewing Chewbacca's daughter about sexcapades
N.L: You wrote a post-punk memoir. Are you still punk? Why?
Lisa: Oh god. That's like asking me if I'm still a white person.
N.L.: Talk about your current writing career as if I'm Dr. Freud wanting to know your deepest sexual writer fantasies...
Lisa: What the hell are you talking about? N.L.: Is writing for the Nerve just paying the bills? Or is it a promotional tool for you to reach more potential fans? Or? While you're at it, who was your favorite interview/article of all time? Is there a hyperlink?
Lisa: Uh, Nick, what the hell are you talking about?
N.L.: Were you manipulated by your father in some way? Do you think parents manipulate kids? I mean, I manipulate mine every day. Just the other day I talked them into destroying our couch and being in the photo shoot to promote punk shui...
Lisa: Jesus!
N.L.: Because of your experiences described in Drugs are Nice do you consider yourself more in touch with reality than other people, or more distant? I don't know what I'm getting at other than I want to know if you think your book is better than reality TV.
Lisa: Uh...
N.L.: If you went to the zoo and saw monkeys throwing poo would it remind you of your old band, Suckdog? Explain...
Lisa: I wrote OPERAS, man. Operas. All monkeys are primates, but not all primates are monkeys.
N.L.: What's up with all the sex talk? Are you some kind of expert on butt munching or something? Why do you consider yourself an expert?
Lisa: Well I guess I'm an expert because I've been doing it for 25 years. I started in pre-adolescence, and I've kept doing it every minute, every hour. What's up with it? I just love to lick the mighty ass. The hairier, the staineder, the better. Chomp chomp chomp. Hairy ass cookies. Why write about children and clouds when all I can think about is an ass hovering over my face and crunching on it. When I hear the crunch crunch crunch of unclean unders, my hemipeen is up. That's what's up. Intersex. The way I love ass best is double-stuffed. I can't even get enough. Have you ever had a girl deep throat your ass. Signed, The Muncher
N.L.: Tell my readers about how people like Erin Hosier fit in to your whirlwind life?
Lisa: Well, we butt munch together. When we first met, she thought she couldn't handle it, but I said, "Baby, you got the jaw for butt munching. You could get under and get in places no one else has munched before." I'm having an hallucination of a smell right now, just remembering it. It was magic.
The mysterious Erin Hosier's pet, Munchy "Ruff Ruff" Munchhosen
N.L.: OK, last question. And thanks again for the interview. We want to really promote your excellent work over here at Paperback Writer. What's up next in your writing career? I can't wait to read your next big work... I'm hooked.
Lisa: On eating geriatric ass. It's a tough line of work, my friend.
And the winners of the BIFF raffle are... - By N.L. Belardes
Thanks for all those who took part in Noveltown's BIFF raffle. We'll drop off all the prizes at the Spotlight Theatre tomorrow...
1. Russo’s Books Certificate – Darren F. 2. Russo’s Books Certificate – Walter Evans 3. LORDS: Part One by N.L. Belardes – Sue Schaffer 4. BIFF Poster – Amanda Klawitter 5. Spotlight Theater Tickets for Two – Jim Padgett 6. Hectic Films DVD – Jesse Rivera 7. McFarlane’s Monsters Femme Fatales – Rickey Bird 8. John Grisham’s The Innocent Man – Matildakay 9. John Grisham’s The Innocent Man Audiobook – chingpea 10. John Grisham’s The Innocent Man Audiobook - Thomas Brille
GRAND PRIZE BASKET: Russo’s Books Certificate; Spotlight Theater Tickets for Two; Monsters Sin City; John Grisham’s The Innocent Man; LORDS: Part One by N.L. Belardes; Hectic Films T-Shirt – Greg Goodsell
Thanks again to Russo's Books, Spotlight Theatre, The Gernert Company, Noveltown (heh!), Hectic Films, and Seat of Your Pants Productions (what was the comic book store?)
The Random Times gets in hot water after takeover of popular MÁS Magazine news rack - By N.L. Belardes
Looks like there’s even more controversy now surrounding the new alternative newspaper The Random Times. Seems as if someone (Maybe from the Random Times) possibly stole editions of MÁS Magazine out of a news rack in downtown Bakersfield, and replaced with editions of The Random Times.
I guess The Random Times are standing up to the local media, albeit in an illegal manner. Not only can you not take over another news rack, as of September 2006 taking more than 25 copies of a free newspaper from a free news rack with the intent of not reading the paper has become illegal (Read report in SF Gate and from Newspaper Association of America online) (More on news racks)
Although Matt Munoz claims the paper rack may have been emptied over the weekend, and joked, "there is no conspiracy," the question still remains of the rack takeover.
All this along with recent public calls by The Random Times of “Fuck you” to the Bakersfield media, including a very angry rant posted right here on Paperback Writer from The Random Times newspaper publisher, James Mongold. He accused Paperback Writer of trying to cause trouble for the fledgling Random Times newspaper. Mongold wrote, “Nick did not post this blog today to support us. He did it to cause a shit storm.”
Of course that’s hard for one person and one website to cause. And he has no evidence to prove such a false claim. Sounds like possible paranoia to me. And it was Mongold’s own words that have the Random Times in hot water.
But now Bakotopia has joined the foray by featuring the article, "Random Times stands up to local media" that exposed The Random Times public bashing of the local media in a myspace.com bulletin. That means Bakotopia has found The Random Times myspace bulletin and discourse to be newsworthy.
That's not me being an asshole. That's reporting the news, and other news sources finding such a story important enough to feature.
Will the Random Times still consider Bakotopia a valid Bakersfield news source and friend now that the article has become a feature story? Perhaps the Random Times is truly just positioning itself as friendly toward Bakotopia because an ad was purchased by Bakotopia in their first edition. It will be interesting to see what Mongold prints next regarding this entire debacle. What will he write now that Bakotopia, like Paperback Writer, is just reporting the news about his tirade on myspace?
James Mongold got personal more than once in his words against me. Is Bakotopia just a news/asshole/controversial/media site too?
Mongold attempted to water down the situation in his second online tirade. He asserted the “bulletin that I left on the Random Times myspace page—that was intended pretty much only for my friends list to see…First off, chill Howard. I meant PRINT media.”
Right.
Public posts are just what they are: public information. Vague wording within such accusations can only be construed as a blanket statement.
I find it interesting that he (Mongold) has this myopia that it should be OBVIOUS that he was only referring to print. It's not obvious to me at all.
First, that assumption on his part is pure-T myopia. The media space is MUCH bigger than print, and there is a whole digital world that MUST be considered. You can't say "media" without referring to online. It simply cannot be done with any intellectual honesty.
Maybe Mongold just needs an editor himself. That’s questionable writing for someone printing his own newspaper in a city with some highly educated writers, academics, journalists, etc. as potential readers.
Again, what about the relationship between The Random Times and Bakotopia? Is this just a case of quid pro quo: The Random Times buddying up to Bakotopia because an ad was bought? And don’t forget, the Random Times, like the now defunct Elitist Press have spoken out against the Bakersfield Californian, the very same entity that owns Bakotopia and MÁS Magazine.
And now the question of illegal news racks? Did The Random Times steal editions of MÁS Magazine? Once again, James Mongold of The Random Times tried to save face, this time by buddying up to Bakotopia. There, a blog was posted on the matter denying knowledge of who the culprit might be: a random person, or random from the Random Times, or orchestrated by Mongold himself? His blog post was titled, “To MÁS Magazine”:
Matt Munoz of Bakotopia and Mas Magazine has brought it to my attention that during the Random Times distribution process, someone thought it would be funny to remove Mas Magazine from one of its racks, and replace it with copies of the Random Times.
But I don't think that's funny... or amusing... or cute... or anything other than ignorant.
I'm not sure who on my distribution team would have done this, and really... I'm not even sure if it WAS anyone on my distribution team. It could have been anyone.
However... I would like to offer a sincere apology to Mas Magazine and all of the people who work for it. This is not the type of behavior I want Random Times to be associated with. And I will take all the precautions within my power to prevent it from ever happening again.
Thanks for reading, everyone, and once again... we apologize.
Sincerely, James Mongold RT
Was a letter sent to MÁS Magazine? Why the post by The Random Times on Bakotopia? Quid pro quo? MÁS Magazine has their own website where Mongold could have posted an apology.
There’s also the question of the possible stolen newspapers. And with The Random Times starting up the presses without a business license means publisher James Mongold himself could be sued or possibly prosecuted if MÁS Magazine (Bakersfield Californian) could prove anyone on his staff stole editions of MÁS. Certainly with evidence of The Random Times filling MÁS magazine racks, trouble could be in store.
Looks like The Random Times is sure having no problem causing a local media storm of the worst kind. Mongold's further damage control can be read on howardowens.com, or in the comments of "Random Times stands up to Bakersfield media."
Random Times stands up to Bakersfield media - By N.L. Belardes
Bakersfield's new alternative newspaper, The Random Times spoke out on myspace today, just two days after the release of their first ever newspaper.
In a mysterious diatribe against local media, editor and chief James Mongold wrote:
...thanks to all of my friends who helped distribute the paper-- Michael Prince, A. S. Ashley, Nano Rubio, Greg Goodsell, LisaNatalie-- all you guys!!! Thank you so very, very much.
We haven't gotten much attention from the mainstream media or the alternative media here in town-- (with the exception of Matt Munoz of Bakotopia-- THAT guy has been nothing short of absolutely amazing!), but I really don't care. All the others can go fuck themselves because we're not doing this for them. We're doing this for everyone out there who wants more. Everyone who doesn't want just a couple of outlets in town.
And by the way, we're the ONLY outlet in town who will accept submissions from ANYONE in town-- not just from a handful of our buddies or a writing staff.
Once again-- thanks to you all, and we'll see you next issue.
peace and chicken grease.
--james
Now, I'm not sure which local media James Mongold is pointing fingers at, but be sure to pick up a copy of the Random Times from one of 24 Bakersfield locations. Get them while they're hot. There's only 2000 copies, and they're going fast! There are articles on local puppet theatre, political rants, the Bakersfield music scene, the Bakersfield art scene, and more!
First edition Random Times with Greg Goodsell and more!
Chronicle of the Lords to debut tonight at BIFF 2.0 - By N.L. Belardes
Follow N.L. Belardes and Hectic Films around the streets of Bakersfield in a tour of some of the darkness surrounding the Lords of Bakersfield... Includes interviews. Documentary shows after 8 pm tonight on the final night of BIFF 2.0...
Book and Serial Killer Scavenger Hunt steal the show on first night of BIFF 2.0 - By N.L. Belardes
Oh yes, I was mesmerized by the endless staircases and the mystery book of Matt Keiley's film short "Book". I got caught up in the wandering of the character and the great shots of architecture. What can I say, it also had a strange literary theme. I have to dig that.
Serial Killer Scavenger Hunt (2005) was a great profanity and gore filled film short by Raul Contreras. I found myself rooting for the serial killers who just wanted to cleanse LA while holding a rather competitive contest of the splatter kind...
There's a lot more from the Bakersfield Independent Film Festival all day long. The event concludes with a documentary on the Lords of Bakersfield and 4 contest entries for Cinema of the Lords. To be judged by N.L. Belardes, Roger Mathey, and Matt Munoz. Winners will be announced on this blog next week!
Here's a few images from the first night of BIFF 2.0:
Landen Belardes of Shamrock Films shows fear by the BIFF 2.0 poster...
Jason Sanders of Hectic Films and Matt Keiley strike the pose. Glam!
Archaic posters of BIFF 1.0 and BIFF 1.5 hang in the foyer
Lords of Bakersfield documentary to hit BIFF - By N.L. Belardes
Premiering at the Bakersfield Independent Film Festival:
"Chronicle of the Lords" 30 minutes (documentary) Narrated and written by N.L. Belardes. Filmed and edited by Hectic Films. N.L. Belardes, author of Lords: Part One narrates this strange urban documentary that takes viewers to some of the creepiest locations in Bakersfield as he discusses the legend of The Lords of Bakersfield. Includes interviews.
Free food on Thanksgiving in Bakersfield! - By N.L. Belardes
Country Kitchen at 813 North Chester Avenue is offering free Thanksgiving Day feasts between 10am and 2pm on Thanksgiving Day only. So tell your friends who need some turkey lovin'...
*I met Renan from Country Kitchen outside of the Californian Building. He handed me a card and asked to spread the word. So if you know someone in need of a hot meal today, please tell them or take them to Country Kitchen.
Emilio Estevez film Bobby stirs positive spirits in Bakersfield - By N.L. Belardes
The Fox Theatre in Bakersfield the night Bobby was screened
Random puppet moment...
I almost hate to say that the first person I saw other than chinpgea before the Bakersfield screening of Bobby was a puppet. But it’s true. I’d just parked and was wandering toward the front of Bakersfield’s Fox theatre when I heard a strange voice yell out, “Hey buddy, got a light?”
There was this puppet bird, his beak flapping just like his tiny wings in the darkness. “You like my wingspan? I’m a freakin’ Condor,” he yelped. I was pretty sure I was staring at a penguin, and a stuffed one at that. “Hey, you ever seen Hectic Films?” the bird asked.
“I’m going to see a screening of the new Emilio Estevez film. It dramatizes the death of Bobby Kennedy.” I didn’t have a light, but somehow the bird had lit a cigarette.
“Pphhew! I hate these goddam things,” he yapped. “I don’t know why I ever light em. Oh yeah, that the Bobby movie? I ain’t got tickets, so I figure to heck with em. I’ll just circle like a vulture and then head home after I lift a few wallets.”
“Sounds good.”
“Well check out Hectic Films at BIFF on November 24th and 25th. I’ll see ya. I gotta go scare some little kids.”
Soon enough, chingpea and I stood in line at the 1500 capacity Fox Theatre where I noticed prominent organizers of the UFW, college students and professors. We stood there until Matt Munoz, the Ska King of Bakotopia phoned. “Hey, I’m down here by Dagny’s. There’s a press conference.”
Chingpea and I jumped out of line. “OK, we’re on our way, but we lost our primo spot.”
“What? You got out of line? I was going it check it out first.”
We argued, sounding like some kind of Bakotopia/Paperback Writer married couple. But none to worry. We soon dove inside the Kern County Land Canal building—that’s where some of the old water wars took place. After all, if was John Maynard in his history, Bakersfield: A Centennial Portrait who wrote, “The story begins with water.”
We entered into a flood of reporters. Writer/Director of Bobby, Emilio Estevez leaned against a counter with the mortician actor from Six Feet Under, Freddy Rodriguez. Rodriguez sported a Johnny Depp look and attitude: a bit tough, a bit overly passionate—but cool as hell. Interesting that I just had a meeting with punk rock mortician Kenny ‘Motor’ Mount—Bakersfield’s real life mortician star. But that’s another story to be revealed at BIFF. (See Matildakay’s take on BIFF—she’ll hook ya…)
Reporters asked lots of questions during the press conference. They filmed, shot Web video, recorded audio; chingpea and I even shot some camera phone videos. (Click to see the Bakersfield Californian interviews with Emilio Estevez and Freddy Rodriguez). I even chimed in and asked Emilio after he talked about writing part of his screenplay in Pismo. I wanted to know about any historical works and historians who may have advised him during production, or while he wrote the screenplay. Estevez mentioned that he didn’t really have an advisor, or work with any historian specifically because the characters in the movie were all fictitious (except for the film footage of Bobby Kennedy). Estevez did say one person had been in touch with him. “Jack Newfield sent me a lot of information,” he said. He talked about fictitious characters and I stood thinking, Wow, I got to ask a movie star a question. Everyone seemed star struck.
N.L. and Munoz at the press conference (chingpea phone video)
N.L. phone video of media at work
Jack Newfield—who Emilio Estevez mentioned—had written a memoir about knowing Bobby Kennedy. He was an acclaimed reporter. Although Estevez didn’t mention it, Jack Newfield died in 2004…
After the press conference I was tickled to see KERN 1410 reporter Greg Goodsell walk up to Estevez and ask for an autograph on an old VHS copy of Repo Man. Later Goodsell wrote to me:
Emilio said that he has no idea about what REPO MAN is about, and is a triumph of style over substance. He also said that the late great character actor Fox Harris, who transports the radioactive aliens in the trunk of his car in that film—surprised the director when he arrived on the set that day and said he couldn't drive!!!!
Greg Goodsell of KERN 1410 talks to Emilio Estevez about Repo Man
Senator Dean Florez leans...
Munoz, chingpea and I walked back to the theatre line, this time towards the rear as it rounded a corner. There, I saw historian, Miriam Vivian and her husband, Tim. We spoke briefly and she got a phone call—one of her kids. I slunk away reminiscing about her historical writing course...
I walked back to where the Ska King and chingpea hung out, and soon enough we filed inside to watch the film. After Matt and I raided the concession (Rebekka and her daughter showed up and were in need of serious popcorn)
Infamous Bakotopia/Paperback Writer popcorn video
Senator Dean Florez spoke briefly. Emilio Estevez came on stage as well and talked about Bobby previewing in London and Paris. He said, “This is by far the coolest theatre Bobby has been screened in…”
The crowd applauded.
The film itself was a dramatization with both good and decent acting. Elijah Wood’s doomed character was a bit overdone. Yet, amid a myriad of stars portraying an ethnically diverse group of characters came a whirlwind of storylines all converging at the Ambassador Hotel in a spirited film of tragedy and hope. The spirit of the film conveyed a message of political optimism, that in America’s future there might be another Bobby Kennedy somewhere in the world to uplift the hearts of a disenfranchised war torn society.
Of course I instantly wondered if the Sheen family and their sense of duty to the Democratic Party had some candidate in mind. Senator Florez even wore a shirt that conveyed the message of “What if Bobby Kennedy were alive today?” In history classes I always taught that even asking such a question was a fallacy. Why? Because you can never answer such a question. Bobby is gone. Yet Bobby the film is about a continuance of spirit.
Yes, it was the spirit of the movie Bobby that mattered, and it was meant to be shown in the California heartland where Bobby Kennedy and his ties to the UFW once held strong. And I can’t help but think that even though in the ensuing Q & A where Estevez downplayed the movie’s political message, that Bobby is meant as a political message to that states from a Democratic political point of view: Our best candidates got killed in a Democratic heyday. Let’s try not to tarnish the democratic process any further. America needs hope… and yes, there is another Bobby Kennedy out there, and he could be anyone…
As a moderate how could I not connect to such a politically inspiring message?
After the film, we all went outside and waited by a creepy gate where we thought Emilio Estevez and Freddy Rodriguez might exit. There was a big goon security guard who we asked if that were the exit. He lied, “No.” Munoz chuckled.
The creepy Bakersfield Fox Theatre gate!
Matt Munoz then told a few interesting off-the-record stories while a big black widow nearly descended onto his shoulder. Creepy! I shoved him out of the way. We hung out and soon enough, Estevez and Rodriguez came out. They said goodbyes to Dolores Huerta, Dean Florez and a few others. They then hugged and said goodbye to one another.
From reporters to groupies… We were no better than Greg Goodsell after all. I handed Estevez a pen and he signed our posters including the lady next to me who had been begging for my Sharpie. I asked Estevez if there were any cameos in the film. I swear I saw Peter O’Toole in a scene. He gestured to the list of actors on the poster. “No. Just these people,” he said. All the actors had donated their time for free: Sharon Stone, Christian Slater, Elijah Wood, Anthony Hopkins, Demi Moore, William H. Macy, Lyndsay Lohan, Harry Belafonte, Laurence Fishburne, Helen Hunt and more… He handed me back the pen after he used it to sign the other two posters and a movie ticket.
She wanted my pen and a moment with Emilio!
We walked away with Dolores Huerta and her husband, Richard Chavez. He’s the brother of Cesar Chavez. We shook hands and Munoz talked to her about my writing and we made polite small talk about how she talked during the Q & A session after the movie. “I made it back just in time for the film,” she said. There had been groundbreaking at the site of the assassination of Bobby Kennedy. It was Monday night. It was Bobby Kennedy’s birthday. He would have been 81. Three new schools are to be built on the site: a positive mark for inner city Asians, Latinos, and blacks of Los Angeles. It was at that moment I felt truly in touch with the political optimism of the movie and the day. That was indeed the spirit of Bobby Kennedy.
I was no longer star struck. I was simply spirited.
**Side note: My Thoughts... By Matt Munoz
It's always cool to be a part of a movie premiere here in Bakersfield, especially when the film connects strongly with the area.
To me, the star of the night wasn't Estevez or Rodriguez, it was UFW co-founder Dolores Huerta, present at The Ambassador the night RFK was gunned down. Knowing UFW history, and seeing a few glimpses of Dolores' face flash across the screen in the archival footage, really hit me. I immediately thought about her during those moments, thinking about what she was feeling.
So many causes struggling to survive in 1968, Americans just looking for equal rights and fairness, and their champion, Bobby Kennedy looking to make some positive changes on his way to the White House..
I wasn't even born yet, and my girlfriend was just an infant...I wonder what our parents were going through?
I asked Dolores Huerta what she thinking during the shooting re-enactment. She said she totally broke down, feeling all those hopes they had in 1968 being flushed down the tube all over again.
Punk Shui, desk shui, all the way - By N.L. Belardes
If you haven't been inspired by Punk Shui, then you aren't listening very well. Go read my punk shui article again about Josh Amatore Hughes book by the same title. OK, done? Now send in a punk shui photo and I will add to this post.
Here are two desk shui pics that Gwen sent in:
Apparently chingpea's desk is DeppShui... Nice statue thing. Should have destroyed a toy and left it impaled on a pen or something...
While the rest of you ponder your punk shui masterpieces, chingpea gave a second go 'round, and much better I might add. Broken toy impalement means everything for the cause! A+
Danetta B. sent in pics of her Desk Shui. I love the X-Wing Paperweight. Hammer anyone?
One-dollar raffle for books and more at the Bakersfield Independent Film Festival (BIFF2.0) - By N.L. Belardes
BIFF is on the way!
Thanks to The Gernert Company out of New York, New York, Bakersfield’s Noveltown, Russo's Books, and the Spotlight Theatre, BIFF has prizes to give away. Noveltown will hold a raffle for $1 per ticket at The Bakersfield Independent Film Festival (BIFF 2.0) on November 24th and 25th at the Spotlight Theatre… will you be there?
Wait a minute? What is the Bakersfield Independent Film Festival?
The Bakersfield Independent Film Festival was started by Roger Mathey of Seat of Your Pants Productions in 2005. There’s been a BIFF 1.0, 1.5, and now 2.0. This two-day event highlights some of Bakersfield’s most imaginative film artistry through documentaries, spoofs, feature films, short films and more...
Also showing at BIFF 2.0 will be Noveltown’s Cinema of The Lords contest. Entries will be shown, and afterwards, a winner will be announced on the Paperback Writer blog. Winning entries will receive prize money.
Here’s what you can win from the Noveltown raffle. It's perfect for the holidays!:
-24 x 36 BIFF Movie Poster ($25 value) -Hard cover of John Grishams new book, The Innocent Man ($30 value) -Audio book copies of John Grishams new book, The Innocent Man ($35 value) -Soft Cover copy of N.L. Belardes novel Lords: Part One ($15 value) -Tickets to Spotlight Theatre performances ($15 value) -Gift certificates to Russo's Books ($15) -Hectic Films T-shirts and DVDs ($10)
*We'll have a grand prize basket with several of the above items!
The Bakersfield Real Estate Market Blues, starring, Howard Owens house - By N.L. Belardes
Will someone go do media mogul Howard Owens a favor and buy his damn house. Offer him some sardines and a box of cereal. I'm sure someone will go for it...
Punk Shui: Home Design for Anarchists by Josh Amatore Hughes inspires living changes - By N.L. Belardes
I’ve been living punk shui for more than a month. And I’m handling it OK. Except I haven’t been inviting too many people in my house on the account that they might not understand why the shitty old couch inherited from my moronic brother was purposely destroyed…
Sometimes we just have to get through our own family issues with a good book and a piece-of-shit couch that's in need of a makeover.
I tried to get in touch with Josh Amatore Hughes about his eye-opening book, Punk Shui: Home Design for Anarchists. I tried to have a conversation via email. No good. Just wasn’t happening. It’s taken far longer to try to reach the master of Punk Shui and have an intelligent conversation than it took to read his book—an afternoon of delightful punk-influenced interior decoration epiphanies that I have since taken to heart. At least in spirit…
Let me start by saying Punk Shui is about you feeling too comfortable in suburbia. It’s about bringing up your own level of comfort through experiencing discomfort. It’s about forgetting everything you thought you knew about posing and pretending you fit into the world around you. We Americans get really comfy. We make babies, and we have expectations that the world around us is service oriented comfortable bullshit. Take a look at this Bakersfield blog by Keely for example who went to get a massage, got one, but got an earful about the tragedies of war as well. You might agree or disagree with her about societal expectations for her comfy preggers world. If you ask me she got a Punk Shui massage! An uncomfortable non-generic experience worth re-telling. Hell, I’d pay for a massage and war stories. If Keely will tell us where her debacle ocurred then I’m calling up and requesting the war stories massage therapist!
OK, now let’s get punk shui about interior design. How? Destroy your house—with a sense of fashion of course. Shock your friends with a different take on the idea of space and comfort. Sleep on the roof! Put a bed up there for a night! Change your habits—even temporarily—from the standard practices and cultural norms of easy living. Just ask yourself: why is a kitchen a kitchen and a bathroom a bathroom? Shouldn’t you try sleeping in every room in your home for a change? Especially if you’re from the culture of sex who has to christen your home in various kinky ways? Maybe you’re a bit punk already. Maybe you should pick up a copy of Punk Shui and read it so you can justify how you already live! Costs less than $10.
Punk Shui is a book to live by, to laugh at, and to share with your friends just to see who can be more punk shui than who.
Here’s my challenge: Send in some of your own home living punk shui photos. Or create an artwork masterpiece of punk shui that I can add to this post! Yes, destruction in your living room can be art if you say it is! Broken glass? Art. A broken mirror? Art. An old Atari 2600 hanging on your wall? Art. Old clothes in a frame? Art. Last night's TV dinner package? You know it!
You betta chiggidy check yoseff befoe you wriggidy wreck yoseff
In the meantime, here’s my own brand of punk shui:
Punk Shui begins in the bathroom with this "Soldier on a string." Meant to remind the sacrifices soldiers make through this symbol of a plastic armyman getting pissed on, shit on, and nearly going down the drain each time. If you lose one, you can always add another.
TV on an old chest. Vanna White's underwear lie in that box. Really!
Realizing the fact that I dry shirts in the living room and never put them away made me think that it might be part of a cool art flow...
My mantle collects objects? Punk Shui?
A young punk musician is a great way to bring punk shui into any home. (He's my kid) More on him in a moment.
I moved the vaccuum into the living room, right near the front door as one of the first objects someone sees when entering the house. The clear dirt receptacle makes for easy analysis of the dirt in my life... obviously it's in abundance. Punk Shui.
Back in the bathroom I stacked dead sea creature carcasses for an ocean bottom graveyard feel.
This was our biggest feat of Punk Shui, our "Family Values" couch sculpture.
Take a punk kid, add some pop culture, destructiveness and vague directions and you have punk shui creativity in action!
The addition of another kid brings a new dimension to punk shui brainstorming. Thus, the value of our family is our ability to destroy as a dysfunctional unit...
Was the axe overkill?
A nice touch one punk kid thought was to impale the couch with various sharp objects. Since splinters had been flying around the room, we thought sharp was good. And sharp was good in the Punk Shui book too...
Scissors: the impact of... shit... I don't know, but something on family values that cuts out shapes of who we are...
My main contribution was impaling a punk shui signed guitar by the lead guitarist of the punk band, Dirty Spanglish, right into the couch. Culture. Clash. Couch. Creation.
Still functional and separates family into natural categories of left/right, here/there, with no middle ground other than the punkness in between.
Dos Banditos Restaurant Reviews: Mucha Lucha Salsa Libres at La Colonia - By Willieboy, N.L. Belardes, and guest Buckaroo
Willieboy Bandito:
I looked forward to our latest Mexican restaurant review with some anticipation, because an old friend was joining us. He’s the drummer for the Buckaroos and I used to roadie for his band in high school. An old friend indeed, by the name of Dave Wolfkeeler. Actually, I have no idea if that’s how you spell his name. I’m sure I’ve butchered it O.J. style. In any case, N.L. and I decided to go back to our original mission goal, seeking out GOOD Mexican food.
Willieboy talks to The Wolfman about "you know"
It was Dave’s idea for N.L. and I to go to Mexican dumps and report what we ate (and contracted) back to the masses. What a stupendously bad idea! So for that he paid for lunch. We chose La Colonia because it has deep roots in Bakersfield History. Since I do absolutely no research on my subjects, I can not prove that last statement. But La Colonia’s been around awhile, trust me. A phrase you often hear associated with it: “It’s where Mexicans go out to eat.”
Potomac Avenue is in an area where you would not want to be caught walking around at night. But La Colonia is the gem of this rough neighborhood. The inside is nice, kind of dark, with comfortable naugahyde booths. It was looking good. Right on cue the chips and salsa arrive. What a disappointment! The salsa is like Chef Boyardee pizza sauce with a Tabasco splash. The chips were cold and forgettable. For the second review in a row, no second basket of chips were required. And we had Andre the Giant with us on today’s visit! (Did I mention Dave is 6’ 11’ tall?)
Salsa de puree...
Our drinks came and about half way through some of the best Root Beer I’ve ever tasted, chingpea asked me if my soda tasted like Pepsi. Come to think of it, it did. We switched glasses and straws and it was time to order. The menu is standard fare. No surprises, however they have a nice selection of Camarones (Shrimp) plates. Dave ordered that, I went with the Chili Colorado. Then Dave, with all of the aplomb of an ADHD afflicted teenager, orders a hamburger. The waitress looked like she was going to backhand him. It was a Luche Libre stand off.
No.
This is tostada surprise. chingpea went for the burger.
Willieboy dubbed "El Dookie"
I was hoping the “Chips & Salsa” debacle wasn’t foreshadowing of what was to come. The plates came and the first thing I noticed was the unappetizing appearance of N.L.’s plate. Was that a dookie log? Who did he piss off this time? Averting my eyes I did the ‘ol “around the platter sample”. Beans: so-so. Rice: no flavor but moist. I dismissed both, no point in eating blah filler food. The Colorado looked good though. Big chunks of tender meat. However it was also quite banal. A bit of a mole flavor but none of the kick of the Colorados found at La Costa, El Cazador or even Mexicali for that matter. (Yes, I said Mexicali, I happen to love their Colorado so piss off, Matt).
So there I was, with this huge plate of food that seemed pointless to eat. So resolutely I shoved one spoon after another into my head as the waitress came back with Dave’s burger. Actually it looked pretty good. He proceeded to cut it into four squares. One bite and I was hooked. The Colorado forgotten I chowed the burger wedge down. And before N.L. could whine about his lactose intolorance, I mowed down his wedge as well. Best burger I’ve had in a while. No fries though.
No raves here. Average Mexican fare in a dubious location. Chips and Salsa: * Food: ** Service: ** Atmosphere: ** La Colonia: 1809 Potomac Avenue, Bakersfield
Guest Buckaroo Bandito Dave "The Wolfman" Wulfekuehler:
I got myself into a little heap of doo with the dos banditos, a while back. And I found out real quick, these salsa-tweakin maniacs mean business!
So here goes:
I was sent a note: be at a downtown address, at 11:30am, and come alone! I was escorted to a secret parking lot by the ever-sweet Chingpea and nasty lord N.L., to meet the infamous king of covert cuisine, Willieboy. He frisked me for any concealed weapons, blindfolded me, and threw me into some unmarked vehicle. Strapped me into what felt like a baby's car seat. Upside-down! I wasn't sure where we were going, but the driver made sure to hit every pothole known to B-town! I think we went airborne over some railroad tracks at one point.
Un momento de silencio, por favor! Huh?
We finally stopped, and I was released into a magical neighborhood. Whimsical children were riding bicycles in the street, waving joyous hello's to the passing motorists. An archway welcomed the unique hideaway...it was...La Colonia! Drunken luchadors wrestled on the sidewalk as we approached. We cheered them on, threw a few quarters, and it was on to the real business..."feed us the four star, baby!"
Well, as some old wise tamale maker once said, "If the chips and salsa are good, the rest of the meal will be." Could we prove that theory wrong?
I always say, "If the waitress flirts, the food won't hurt!" Hmmm... here she comes... and she's smiling... she's sizing us up... drink order done. But wait! Willieboy is speaking Spanish! That's it! She's hooked! That sly guy set the bait, and waited for the kill.
Dave strikes gold twice with camarones and his burger! The rest of us struck out!
Our chips, salsa and drinks came quick! (I'm telling ya, that young waitress was all over The Willieman!) The chips were kinda zzzzzzzzz, and the salsa... was it Ragu? Was it Campbells soup? Was it oriental ketchup? It did have a kick of the hot and spicy, but did it qualify as salsa? I don't know, I'm a little confused on salsa barriors. But hey, it was time to order! Willieboy told me I could have anything on the menu, as long as it had shrimp in it. Gee thanks. So Camarones Rancheros it was!
But something else was calling to me from the menu...I had to do it... CHEESEBURGER! I mean, that's the real test right? The world is a big bag of Chex mix now. Nothing is regional anymore. Who really knows? Who really cares? Bring on the main course!
The famous Mexican burger test passes with flying colores!
The shrimp was very good. Sauce was tasty, and it was a generous portion! The rice and beans were fair. I mean, come on, it's rice and beans for golly's sake. But low and behold... could it possibly be? The creme de la creme: La Colonia Cheeseburger!!! It could be one of the best burgers you'll ever eat at a non-burger joint. Real meat, Real cheese, real veggies, real bun. In fact, it's better than what's served at most "regular" burger joints. And no freaky-med-hooked-singing-clown toys here! What this place needs is an old jukebox and some rollergirls, and they'd make a fortune!
But seriously, how can you not have a four star lunch with beautiful people like Chingpea, N.L. and Willieboy. Thanks again guys (and gal)!
N.L. Bandito:
The first time I ever ran a red light I was driving to La Colonia restaurant. It was the 1980s. Dude on the Ice was about to enter the world and I wanted some Mexican food to usher me into fatherhood. There’s no punchline. I remember good food, good times and running that red light.
Over the years my preferences changed. I lived in Las Vegas. I had a favorite Mexican restaurant there. Sadly I can’t remember the name other than it was located downtown and tamales are their specialty. In Bakersfield I prefer Santiagos. Yet, I’m willing to explore. Willieboy and I have—though we’ve barely begun to sail the seas of Bakersfield streets for the perfect salsa and chips.
La Colonia rests in the hood on the East side of Bakersfield. It’s surrounded by residential homes packed in like boxes on a factory conveyor. The restaurant itself reminds me of an American colony of the 17th Century: Virginia Puritans surrounded by wilderness. It’s even shaped like some kind of rustic fort, sadly unlike a Puritan city on a hill. It’s strangely out of place on such an East Side factory belt.
I’m not crazy. I wouldn’t wander the streets at all around La Colonia, as even the kids on bikes I noticed are vicious reminders that ethnic groups all have rough sides. “Fuck you, homie!” one kid yelled at a car. Didn’t the kid recognize the car was bigger than him? Maybe he was packing heat. There’s a reason Kern County leads the state in guns per capita. And those are just the legal kind…
We arrived, and right away, Wolfman pulls out three mucha lucha wrestling masks like we are about to either rob the joint or wrestle our food from the waitresses. At first I thought he had drumsticks and was going to play some kind of Okie drumroll on the tables to help pay for the four lunches he promised. But no, Dave had masks, and he meant business.
We posed.
We donned the masks for a photo shoot au naturale that showed off our boyish charm and rugged sense of Mexican fighting culture. I suddenly had a daring fantasy. I was El Generale de Burrito: a fighter, a man of mythic proportions who could conquer a ring of overstuffed mafiosos with a cape and a beady-eyed stare. I wanted to tag team my way into the restaurant, drag off a big plate of conquistador salads and taco shells. I wanted to pull plastic boots up my legs and stomp on the tabletops as if this were a Mexican restaurant in need of a salsa exorcism.
It was.
I grew desperate. My fantasy continued when my tamale arrived already stripped of its corn husk. What? No present to open? I imagined myself in a Mucha Lucha cartoon. I was The Flea screaming “Zapatos de ratas!” and gorging on my true love: food of all kinds. Of course I thought of The Flea again when chingpea dropped part of The Wolfman’s burger down into her cleavage. She went dumpster diving into her bra and The Flea in me was about to dive in as well. That’s his favorite pastime: dumpster diving. We three amigos stared.
Oh yes, next fantasy.
What more can I say? I haven’t really talked about the restaurant at all. I was bored. There was a gang-tagged kangaroo painting in the men’s room. The Turkey Day decorations were as festive as the old man with lipstick serving us. Just kidding. She was twenty and sang a stirring rendition of Mento Buru’s “Ballad de la familia de Jackson Cinco”. That was just before declaring Dave the winner of the stomachache race.
I had more fun wearing the mask and talking to friends than I did eating my strange tamale. I really just dreamed about Mucha Lucha warriors and dumpster diving. After all, I couldn’t even eat the cheese-covered burger. Besides, Willieboy was too fast.
Now go build a Mucha Lucha and send it to all your friends.
Chips and Salsa: * Food: ** Service: ** Atmosphere: **
Read past Dos Banditos Restaurant Review articles:
Michael "Willieboy" Willis is a grizzled 46 year old graphic artist. His studio, coincidentally called "Willis Design Studios", has been operating in Bakersfield for the last 26 years. His 15 minutes of fame came in 1997 when he co-authored a best selling book about webpage design titled "Web Pages That Suck". The rest remains a mystery. His personal page is www.willieboy.com.
Dave "The Wolfman" Wulfekuehler performs regularly at Buck Owens Crystal Palace as the Buckaroos faithful and fearless drummer. He recommends the Halibut as well as Buck's famous Chicken Fried Steak. You can find him regularly on Paperback Writer as DW.
Norma, who comments on this site, has an interesting life during the day. She sits during her day job across from one of those seedy kind of hotels you would see in any town along the Central Valley cityscape. In Bakersfield there are a dozen such hotels and motels stretched out along Union Avenue. That's old Freeway 99, where the Bakersfield Buck Owens sign used to hang as a gateway to Buck City...
The Great Central Valley hosts many small towns with many seedy hotels. Could such represent the reality of Central California? A land of high unemployment, where poverty drifts through neighborhoods, roadsides, and where there exists a strange motel culture that most of us only know exists, because we catch glimpses as we pass. What will she see next? - n.l.
Here's Norma's first installment for Paperback Writer on her Tav Cam Adventures... I believe she already posted one story on Bakotopia...
The Tav Cam Adventures: Part One - By Norma
The Tav Cam, hidden away on a street in a Central California town...
Working across the street from a rent-by-the-week roach hotel you tend to see all sorts of crazy antics from the people who pass through. Some of it is scary but some I have to admit is kind of funny. Sometimes what I see go on at the hotel breaks my heart. Especially when it has to do with children. But for the most part, it’s like watching a cheesy Lifetime channel movie minus the happy ending. I call them the Tav Cam Adventures.
Monday, 8:45am: “drunken lady” walks around, sort of stumbling for a while. She slumps down after a lot of walking, on the sidewalk, leaning up against the wall. I don’t think anything of it. I’ve seen her walk. I knew she was drunk. I figured she was just resting up before the next lap.
9:15am: Forgot all about drunk lady until a coworker said, “Hey, come look at this lady. I think she’s dead!” This specific coworker is actually a jokester so it’s hard to believe anything he says. I keep working and ignore him. He calls somebody else to see. They agree, something is wrong. Should I tell them she’s just resting? Nah... I’d actually like to make sure there is nothing other than alcohol wrong with her. So they call the cops.
9:30am: The cops are here. They know the drill. They are there almost daily. They put some gloves on, poke at her a few times, tap her, talk to her, poke her a few more times. One of the cops takes her vitals. The other radio’s in for an ambulance. Turns out she was just passed out drunk. Then she wakes up. YAY. She’s not dead. She's just drunk.
9:45am: She's awake and obviously drunk off her ass; the bets start. Not literal bets. We’re all broke. But we’re curious… Will she go off on them? Bite them? Spit at them? Hit them? You know, the type of drunken fighting you see in movies. I figured she’ll throw at least ONE punch.
Nope, nothing. I must be the only violent drunk in this one horse town. I would have decked the jerk that woke me up from my drunken sleep at least ONCE. Maybe twice. I’m pretty sure of it.
10:00am: Back to work. But still looking out the window once in a while, wondering what's going to happen next.
Office antics abound in the CSU Bakersfield Culture of Silence - By N.L. Belardes
She walked into the president’s office with a tape recorder. There was a university reporter too. I won’t say the year. The president began spouting answers. He admitted that he wanted to turn CSU_ into a Latino university, that he wanted the entire 4th floor of the university library to be his offices. He admitted his favoritism to Latinos. All while the tape recorder was running. Then he said, “That was all off the record.” And then he demanded the tape. “I’ll have to take that,” he said. There was an argument. The reporter and his helper refused. Why had he said what he said knowing full well a recorder was running? And then the president said, “If you don’t hand over the recorder I will have you both expelled from the University. I can have that done.”
And so they handed over the recorder. (True story, though I won't say which campus)
It was an office moment worthy of television…
One of the most popular shows on television is The Office. You get to hear all the gossip—watch it unfold, really. And you get to see characters whisper fears of their boss, have crazy relationships, all behind the scenes, as not all the characters know what’s going on with everyone else.
Yet there’s more to real life Bakersfield office gossip than just what you can find in the excerpts from my book, Matildakay and Cubicle Dweller’s rants on office interaction. Believe it or not, there’s a lot of Bakersfield university office gossip. And it’s all documented in a blog titled, The CSUB Voice.
But who is the voice? A collection of office ranters? A selected few intra-office haters? Faculty? Staff? Professors with a vengeance? Haters of the administration? Disgruntled pen pushers?
You get a lot of gossip in the CSUB blog, and it’s all public information. And it’s hilarious. Oh for the less ambiguous stories though. Much of it is told to protect people in their various positions and offices, so you don’t always get the juicy details. But if you start reading, especially in the "Culture of Silence" blog, and ensuing comments, you will get more than you bargained for. Think higher education is about educating the students? Think again…
Read the comments about racism, sports over the deep end, Division 1 blues, overpaid administrators,
